


in love with a tumbleweed

by candidshot



Series: stories from an alternate universe [19]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Does Magnus have travel bugs or is he searching for something?, Established relationship?, M/M, twisted feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 03:25:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17337698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/candidshot/pseuds/candidshot
Summary: Magnus constantly disappears and reappears into Alec's life. But it's not like it's deliberate or even something he can control. All Magnus knows is that, he wants to stop- but not until he finds the answer to his question.chap 5/5: rain tumbleweeds and the choo choo train





	1. no home for a tumbleweed

Long before then,

Magnus would sit on one of those benches at the train station— and in curious stares, he would watch the trains come and go and he’d wonder where everyone was coming from or going to.

Some looked lonely.

Some looked alone.

Some looked tired and worn out.

But Magnus’s eyes would always follow the ones who carried with them a duffel bag and an uncertain smile.

His eyes would stick to them, following as though wishing they had feet and could travel on their own.

And so,

Over and over, again and again, Magnus’s eyes would wander off with all the possibilities life hinted at him or example, with a suitcase in hand at nights;  

What sort of world were they running off to?

Or was it,

What sort of world were they leaving behind?

Would their destination one day come to them?

Or were they just like him? — rolling about like tumbleweeds in the middle of the city.

“Pssst”, Alec drags him out of his pensive realm, handing him a cup, “Where are you?”

Magnus takes the mug of spiced chocolate from Alec and sips, “I’m right beside you”.

Alec doesn’t respond but Magnus can see the tension looming in Alec’s eyes and in the clenching of his cheekbones like he knows time is near and that he can no longer delay or deny it.

Magnus can feel it too, the bite in the pit of his stomach— a gnashing that instead of hurt, it excites him that perhaps this time he’ll—

He takes care not to look over at Alec.

Out there in the real desert where everything is barren, Magnus wonders what usually stops a tumbleweed from rolling and being carried away by the wind.

But it would take years for him to know.

And between then and now, the heart would make him feel pain.

His heart and Alec’s too but—

“Alexander, I…”

Alec swallows the last of his hot chocolate, “Yes, beautiful?”

Magnus inhales light and afraid then asks, “… until when will you love me?”

There’s the expected pause before Alec takes the empty mug from him and places it in the sink and stays over there out of sight where Magnus can’t see him then replies, “I don’t believe there’s an expiry date”.

Magnus hums, his eyes back to looking through the window, “I see”.

Then,

A few mornings later when Alec wakes up to an unusually quiet apartment, a suitcase missing and the love of his life nowhere in sight, he groans, flings himself back into bed and covers his head with sheets that are still smelling of Magnus and just so, he starts to pray hard that this time, he wouldn’t have too long to wait.

But, little did he—

 

★*☆♪

magnus x alec

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an idea I've been toying with for a while now XD   
> Do let me know what you think ^^


	2. the tumbleweed and the sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes, I decided to continue this so enjoy the ride? 
> 
> Also, there's a little back and forth between the past and the present so~

“Why are you eating here again?” Isabelle asks while passing Alec the salad bowl and vinaigrette dressing.

Alec doesn’t answer but the glare he throws at her is sharper than an arrow.  

“He’s your brother and my son”, Maryse passes him the basket of sliced baguette. “This will always be his home”.  

Isabelle dips a piece of bread into a saucer of spiced olive oil, “Except, he already made another home with Magnus”. But when Alec still doesn’t react, she looks at him with big concerned eyes, “Wait… don’t tell me Magnus again—“

In the end, Alec doesn’t stay for dinner and the moment he steps through the door of his and Magnus’s place, he has regrets.

The silence is always too loud.

The silence always wants to speak with him and put ideas in his head.

The silence thinks they’ve become best friends.  

But Alec knows he can’t ever allow himself to bond with silence.

Though, as he checks through his mail for the week, he wonders if the gnawing voice in Magnus’s head is just as annoyingly loud as the silence that shouts at him.  

He then pauses, looking at a particular piece of mail in his hand.

As it turns out, Magnus has yet again sent him another postcard.

And Alec breathes in deeply.

Magnus might’ve left him for months at a time but sending postcards is his way of leaving a trail – like Red Riding Hood leaving breadcrumbs in the forest.

But the card also signals another thing;

The last time Magnus got a postcard was just before Magnus returned last autumn.

.

One day, Magnus showed up and waited outside until Alec came home.

When Alec saw him, he took a long look at the face he’d missed and yearned for months – the face he never wanted to live without and asked, “Don’t you have your keys?”

Magnus nodded, took the key from his pocket and dangled it in the air.

Alec understood.

So he turned the lock, pushed the door opened and stepped inside. “Don’t make things weirder than they already are, Magnus”. His voice was steady but his heart was fighting in his chest to contain itself. “This is your home as much as it’s mine”.

True.

But—

Magnus only nodded.

Because really,

That wasn’t the first or the third time but even so, there were hardly any words left to explain the quirky reality they lived.  

But like a cycle of strange encounters, a few days was all it took for them to walk on eggshells and get it over it before finding their ease and way back to each other. Surely, their lost months remained lost but with the present, they took it and ran with it going on dates to Broadway shows and Yankees baseball games but most times, home dates with them hugging each other around the ankle were the best.

But time has always been a nomad so autumn ended and winter was already half its way in January.

Just so, days passed with Magnus making a living from trading art while Alec continued to manage the relic museum downtown— that’s where and how they’d met in the first place.

Evening times were most cliché, but delightful with their lazy yet well spent time bickering, kissing and wishing such happiness would never stop.  

In a way, it was as though time tried its best to reset itself.

But really, time just had to be patient.

Though in truth, patience and time had always been an odd pair for soon, time realised that the longer Magnus and Alec were together, the more fidgety Magnus became and the more afraid Alec felt.

The more they fitted the pieces of the puzzle, the louder the noise in Magnus’s head nagged him and the more broken the choir in Alec’s heart grated.

Then one Saturday, the winter sky was so blue that Alec took it as an omen.

Magnus stirred in his sleep as Alec watched the morning sun highlighting his bare skin.

“Morning sleepy head”, Alec greeted, his mood conflicted with wavering contentment.

Magnus smiled and in a husky voice replied, “Good morning, Alexander”.

“Let’s go on a road trip”.

Alec’s sudden desire for adventure took Magnus by surprise but looking through the window at the blue weather he only asked, “Where to?”

“Nowhere but everywhere”.

Because the voice in Magnus’s head, Alec knew he hasn’t yet quieted.

Half an hour later they were on the road blasting Freddie Mercury from the jeep stereo. The only map in hand was their hearts as they sang karaoke and allowed their merry laughter to echo in its freedom. Forty minutes later they pulled up at a highway diner for breakfast. And later, they somehow found themselves at a flea market, walking around and making fun of all the peculiar items until Magnus spotted what was to his liking.

“I’ll take this”, he pointed to an antique silver.  

“That’s a lucky charm,” the sales lady beamed at him as she handed him the jewellery.

Magnus smiled and replied, “That’s what I’m hoping for.” He then thanked her and turned to Alec, “Give me your hand.” And when Alec gave both hands to him, Magnus reached for the right and told him, “This is for you”, while sliding a ring onto Alec’s finger, “My wish is that it will bring you more luck than I could ever give”.  

Alec didn’t say a word.

By midafternoon they arrived at a zoo.

“I think I’m a giraffe”, Alec suddenly declares, stretching his neck.

Magnus looked at him and had to laugh, “Well, thank goodness your legs are longer than your neck”.

“And you?” Alec asked, looking at the birds in the cages, “What animal are you?”

Magnus hummed in thought then replied, “None… I don’t know.”

And perhaps, he was right.

After an hour, they left the zoo with Magnus clinging to Alec’s arm as they walked back to the car. The flow of happiness between them was trying hard to carve out its own path. They shared feelings so intricate that no word could explain the nitty-gritty of their mess.

However, driving back home was as quiet as they were as loud coming.

Neither wanted the day to end.

Yet, the feeling Alec would come to know again loitered nigh.

With the sun setting, they let the roof of the jeep down and allowed the evening wind to try its utmost best to soothe their unease. But even though it was the same sky that would keep them connected wherever they went, instead of an orange sunset that made the world serenely beautiful, to them, the sky looked like an open wound bleeding.

“Let’s stop here for a bit,” Magnus suggested as they came to a lookout point that oversaw the city skyline.

Without question, Alec pulled over.

“But even so", Magnus whispered as though finishing an earlier thought, "It's beautiful".   

“Yes, it is”, Alec replied. “It reminds me of someone”.

At this, Magnus looked over at him before then looking out to the far reaches of the sunset that seemed endless. “Where do you think it ends?”

“Where what ends?”

“The horizon”.

Alec took in a deep breath and shifted his weight to his other leg, “I don’t know”, he answered, his eyes never leaving Magnus, “Or perhaps, the better question is— how near is it?”

And the moment Alec said that, he could hear the grating sound of a dozen harps playing like a broken choir in his heart.

Magnus inhaled deep then released, “Maybe we’re not meant to know”, he replied, taking Alec by the hand then by the waist and embracing him with all the honest affection in his heart. “Alexander, I wish I could get a new heart— one unblemished and unworried, one that wouldn’t need fixing”.  

Just that, and Alec could already sense it.

He could already hear the voice in Magnus’s head— the voice he hadn’t yet learnt to quiet.

The voice that was again about to riot and take Magnus from him.  

And knowing this,

Alec’s heart flapped as much as it ached for he also felt the despair in Magnus’s embrace. “Magnus…”, he called, his chin resting in the Magnus’s hair, “Use your key next time.”

Magnus smiled into Alec’s shoulder.

And without kissing, Magnus brought his lips to meet Alec’s own for at that moment, all he wanted was the feel of Alec’s warmth against him, convincing himself that that would’ve been enough.   

But then,

In small movements their lips sought each other in an earnest endeavour that aimed to delve deep and cling. Their emotions burst - knotted emotions of love and compassion and of regret and contentment - of happiness and sadness - and of loneliness and hope and in the end, they could only grip tightly to each other and allow the unsavoury emotions of what’s to come to suck them dry— the unspoken message, already conveyed.   

Days passed and nothing happened.

But hope had always been the culprit of an already sad story.  

When Alec woke up to the morning sun warm on him, with his eyes still closed he moaned and stretched across intending to pull Magnus into his embrace. But without seeing the first light of day, his heart sank at his missing discovery. But he still kept his eyes closed, thinking that perhaps if he did, then reality would’ve become his imagination— though soon, he realised that reality wasn’t that generous. It also didn't take him long to remember the ritual. So he turned on his side and searched beneath Magnus’s pillow and found what he knew would be waiting. And as the paper crumpled betwixt his fingers, Alec slowly sighed and opened his eyes:

 

_My Dearest Alexander,_

_Know that I love you. Also, know that I hate myself for leaving and causing you worry yet again. I might be chasing what doesn’t exist but even so, I can’t stop until my question is answered. I know that I’m selfish and I know that I’m unkind and that I don’t deserve you and your kindness, but please continue to love me._

_Forgive me— Magnus_

 

As Alec read, his heart rigged with pain and kept sinking low with disappointment but at the same time, that very heart was also swollen with so much love for Magnus that to imagine a complete and happy life without him was unthinkable.  

A hopeless romantic, he thought himself to be.

But everywhere ached in his frustration so he covered his head and flung himself across the bed while he grumbled, “Love is painful”.

But time wouldn’t stop for him.

His alarm went off.

So he suddenly sat up in the bed, crumpled the note and tossed it in the bin. And just like times before, he ritually dragged himself out of bed— took a shower, got dressed and then hauled himself to the kitchen where he prepared breakfast for one.

Already, at seven-thirty in the morning, the silence he hated so much taunted him and the time on the clock and on the calendar showed him no mercy.

But he supposed that being human meant getting used to the life dished out to him. So Alec finished his breakfast, washed the dishes then grabbed his jacket and car keys and left the apartment.

But then,

As if compelled by unease, he went back inside, retrieved the note from the trash bin, unwrinkled it and delicately laid it in his drawers with the stack of previous goodbye notes and _I might be home soon_ postcards.

Love is patient, the clergyman had said.

But truthfully,

Alec feels torn by that very patience.  

Chairman hops into his lap, meows and drags him back to the present. So he puts the stack of mail aside and kisses his cat, “You miss him too, don’t you?”

Chairman meows again.

Surely,

Alec is sure that one day, his patient love will quiet the voice in Magnus’s head and the broken choir in his heart will be serenaded.

.

While, somewhere deep in the Indian mountains, the world drowns itself in the backdrop of Nilgiri – hills coloured in purplish blue flowers that bloom only once every twelve years.

Magnus sighs.

“Not impressed?” Ragnor asks.

The two met a few towns over and somehow ended up travelling together.

“I am”, Magnus sighs again, looking as far out as he could across valleys that make it seem like he’s looking at images leaking out from a painting and blending into reality.

“You are but what?” Ragnor arched an eyebrow at him.

“It just feels so…”, Magnus pauses to order his words, “It just feels so very— lonely”.

Ragnor looks at him wide-eyed, “So what am I? Your imagination?”

Magnus does chuckle but the truth is,

No matter how he looks at it, this picturesque scenery of slopes and peaks covered in an ethereal unicolour in a far eastern sky makes him feel lonely.

“It’s a shame, really”, he mutters more to himself than to Ragnor, almost as though he’s yet again finishing an earlier thought, the sky above him so blue that it’s hard to look at.

And it’s then,

As though carrying a conscience, the voice in his head quiets down a tiny bit.

 

_\---_

_magnus x alec_


	3. not all tumbleweeds want to tumble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus finds it hard to believe that he could be loved.
> 
> And even if loved, he finds it hard to believe that he could be loved so deeply and for very long.

Magnus finds it hard to believe that he could be loved.

And even if loved, he finds it hard to believe that he could be loved so deeply and for very long.

The way he pictures his life is like watching the trains – they come and go, people hop on and hop off.

So in the stubborn part of his head, he sees no reason why Alec should be any different.

But he was falling deeper and Alec was staying around him longer so he thought that just maybe if he ran, then by the time Alec’s love for him got expired, he would’ve seen it coming and escape.

So Magnus sets out on a journey, intending to provoke time by wrapping himself in memories that would have him. Days and months he passes by loving cities and places that in a million years can’t love him back. But at least that way, without the expectation, he won’t need to dress any wound left behind in his heart.

But when the emptiness in his heart can’t be filled with the prettiest sunsets or the best food concocted - when the music can no longer reach his heart and when his head is filled with nothing but genuine warmth left behind by the very man he’s running from, Magnus hops on a train and becomes a passenger who has a place to be.

When Alec opens the door, Magnus is looking at him, his travel bags in hand and a nervous smile on his lips.

“I got lost”, is the first thing Magnus says, the keys in a bunch heavy with keyrings from all over the planet, spinning around his finger.

It’s been two months since he left – the longest he’d stayed away. 

But even so,

Nothing could’ve prepared Alec for the way his heart beats full of energy as well as, from anxiety at the return of his love. Magnus is back. Yes, Magnus came back to him and though strange, Alec can’t control his blooming affection for the man who fears his love. But the toughest part is, each time Magnus returns, Alec’s love for him seems to blossom fluffier and more.  

Fidgety in the reality he’d waited on for months, Alec nervously moves around the kitchen- and he’s frantic, deep in thought wondering, _‘What now? How should I move things from here?’_

But at the same time, Magnus is going numb with the weight of Alec’s head buried in his shoulder blade and pulling him tighter into an embrace. Magnus finds himself being enveloped in the memory of Alec’s entirety— warm and familiar and comfortable like a home. 

“Where have you been?” Alec finally asks, he’s making them coffee but every so often he would peek behind him as if making sure to never again let Magnus out of his sight.  

There’s silence as Alec pours the freshly made coffee into a blue teacup, adds a cube of sugar, some milk, a dash of nutmeg and cinnamon and stirs before putting it down in front of Magnus.  

“I’ve been nowhere but everywhere”, Magnus tells him as he takes a sip.

Always,

Alec has always convinced himself that one day his patient love would find reason or reach a compromise with the voice in Magnus’s head but—

This time around, Alec can’t help but feel jittery as if, if he doesn’t keep his heart in check with reason, then all he’ll really do is to leap and hug the man his heart loves and maybe he’d cry a little about how much he had missed Magnus-- and of how many times he have dreamt about a day when they’ll make a vow to stay together until they’re old and gray and how even after the grave, they’ll continue to mingle in spirit.

Taking in Magnus’s full frame from head to toe, Alec observes, “Your hair, it’s longer- maybe even long enough for a ponytail”.

The piercing yet soft and delicate look in Magnus’s eyes makes Alec stagger in greater need.  

“Would you do me the honour of cutting it for me?” Magnus asks, his eyes warm but still cautious, like he’s still gauging the extent of Alec’s open arms to him.

Alec smiles and nods and Magnus is already sitting before him ready for his haircut.

“The last time you checked in you were in India, right?”

“I was”, Magnus answers, already falling back into the comfort of Alec’s warmth. “You would love India”, he adds, “The people, the food, the tea, the monsoon”.

But the nostalgic tone in Magnus’s voice brings jealousy to Alec’s heart so he asked, “And how did you survive?” his voice a bit harsher than intended.

Magnus understands and lets it be.

“Have you ever heard of the travelling cinemas of India?”

“Can’t say I have”.

“Let’s go see it one day”, Magnus smiles, “Maybe my employee benefit will still be valid”.

Somehow, Alec feels uneasy for if he could, then he would erase all those places that have memories of Magnus that he doesn’t. In fact, he wishes to rid himself of all evidence of times Magnus left him to escape.  He sighs, “I’m already looking forward to it”.

But at the same time, Alec is glad that somewhere in all this aimless adventure, Magnus is thinking of a day when he’ll take him with him.  He inhales deeply, trying to contain the possibilities in his head then asks, “And now?” leaning to the side to look Magnus in the eye, “What do you plan to do now? I doubt Brooklyn or even New York has a travelling cinema”.

The look Magnus gives him is shy, his eyes warm but also begging for pardon, “I’m hoping to stick around”, he says, “But, only if I may”.

.

A few days later when Alec gets home from work, the sound of pots and cutleries coming from the kitchen gives him a start before he then remembers Magnus had returned home.

He’s standing at the door of the kitchen inhaling the sweet blended scent of herbs and spices infused in the air and without a word, he watches the beautiful figure wearing nothing on top but muscles half-covered by an apron.  

When Magnus looks up and sees him, he smiles, “Welcome home. Hungry?”

“I am now”, Alec replies, watching Magnus busy himself around the kitchen like it’s been this way all along, “What are you making?”

“Curry mutton and roti”, Magnus tells him before turning around and getting busy with the chore at hand.  “By the time you’re done with your shower, dinner will be ready”.   
  
Alec smiles back but silently wonders, ‘for how long?’

Nonetheless, Alec does as told and soon enough he’s back in the kitchen leaning against the door. “Need help?”

Magnus gestures with his shoulder, “Yeah, turn the oven off before the naan gets burnt”.

Really,

Just how long does he have to enjoy this time with Magnus?

Desperately, it’s a question Alec needs answering but at the same time, no news is good news, he supposes. So he tears a piece of his honey naan, dips it in curry and moans, “So good”, his face telling that he really means it.

“Not too spicy?” Magnus asks, taking his first bite and also moans, “You’re right”, licking his lips and smiling at Alec, “Did you just fall in love with me a little bit more?”

At this, Alec bites another piece of his naan and licks away the sauce running down the side of his mouth, “Quite the contrary”, he replies, and he doesn’t miss the stiffness in the corner of Magnus eyes.

“When are you going to start hating me?” Magnus takes a small bite, his eyes looking like he’d disappointed himself.

“I already hate you”, Alec tells him in an almost nonchalant voice, “But I love you more”.

“I see”, Magnus cleans his plate with the rest of his naan, “Your love is finally starting to expire”.

The laugh that leaves Alec’s throat is hurt and helpless. “Magnus, I hope one day you’ll stop underestimating my love for you”.

Magnus doesn’t reply immediately but a visible smile curves along his lips and come out as twinkles in his eyes, “I also made halo halo”.

Alec raised an eyebrow but a laugh escapes his mouth, “I pour my heart out to you and your reply is what dessert is for dinner?”

Magnus feeds him a spoonful.

.

Spring smells sweet in the air.

And with the sweet fairness of the season, Alec knows for sure that there’s nothing more calming and peaceful than sleeping in late on a spring weekend. Stirring in bed, he snuggles deeper under the sheets, into the pillow and behind Magnus. And at the feel of Magnus against him, Alec immediately opens his eyes and allows them to linger on Magnus who’s still fast asleep. Alec can’t yet pinpoint why but ever since Magnus’s return, Alec is always the first to wake up— almost as if he’s keeping watch.

And just so,

In a ritualised rhythm, he keeps all focus on Magnus’s sleeping face, reaching out his hands and is lightly brushing it over Magnus’s cheeks and forehead. He then shuffles even closer and perches a kiss to the side of Magnus’s head and inhales deeply, using his other hand to lightly brush against Magnus's slightly parted lips… and with a tremble throughout his entire body but more so prominent on his lips, Alec bents over and presses a kiss to Magnus's forehead.

The sweet gesture wakes Magnus but even before he opens his eyes, Alec gently slips his tongue into Magnus’s mouth and just so, he allows the warm feeling to slowly creep inside and take him over. Magnus moans and Alec moves deeper, holds Magnus’s face to his palms and adds a bit of force when he feels Magnus lapping his tongue around his.

But then Alec pulls away, his heart beating and bleeding because it loves so much but at the same time, it grieves and fears.  

But even so,

Every day with Magnus he falls a bit deeper in love- like falling in love with an unreachable horizon on a fair day or at an orange sunset.

“This isn’t normal, is it?” he breaks away to better look at Magnus, pulling him on top.

But when he sees Magnus’s eyes burning back at him with equal fear and intensity, Alec wraps his whole self around Magnus and tells him, “But I love you, my tumbleweed”.

Because, true love doesn’t doom itself without a fight.

“Magnus, let’s have stew for dinner”.

Magnus’s laughter comes out as muffles in the sheets, “It’s barely seven in the morning and already you’re thinking about dinner?”

Alec hugs him tight around the waist, “Promise me”.

Magnus smiles to Alec’s little trick then answers, “Sure. But only if I’m making it”.

Alec inhales long and hard and hugs Magnus tight but deep down, his worry is no longer a missing Magnus—

Instead,

It’s getting used to Magnus in their bed and in their kitchen and the lurking of silence.   

 

★*☆♪

magnus x alec


	4. tumbleweeds and cowboy movies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus go on a date but in the true sense of the word, not all days are romantic days.

The moment their eyes met, Magnus understood everything. 

He knew that this meeting had nothing to do with fate or their souls being tied. It was something much simpler than that—

It was love at first sight.

But the happiness that came with that, made him very sad.

Years later and he still can’t shake off the uneasiness… the sadness that comes with happiness.

Alec’s tongue tickles his earhole and Magnus laughs. “What shall we do today?” he then asks, sliding down to rest his left cheek on Alec’s bare chest.

Alec inhales long in thought then replies, “The same thing we do every day”.

Magnus heaves himself on one elbow, “And what’s that exactly?”

“Take over the world”, Alec laughs while stealing a quick kiss off Magnus’s lips.

Magnus erupts in a series of giggles too, squirming when Alec’s tongue tickles down his throat and across his collarbone, “And how do you propose we do that?” he asks with his head thrown back, allowing Alec to ravish his bare neck.

Alec inhales, bringing his fingers to play along Magnus’s naked skin before he replies, “Not a clue but kiss me until I figure it out”.

Magnus is beaming, stretching his neck to reach Alec’s lips, “I think you need saving, Mr. Alexander Lightwood”.

Alec laughs and pulls him into another kiss, “I’m at your mercy, Mr. Bane”.

Alec’s fingers continue to play across Magnus’s skin before leaning forward and burying his face in Magnus’s hair, yet again inhaling deeply, “Magnus… Magnus Bane, you have no idea how much you send my heart on an erotic chase, do you?” he exhales, kissing the top of his Magnus’s head, “You have my heart beating wild and my groin pulsing erotic like a hula dancer”.

Magnus kisses him— first slow and searching before full forced and full mouth and deep and breathlessly.

And before they know it, like fiddling with keys on a piano, time tiptoes in a sort of bittersweet somersault and knock knock, summer comes hot, rainy and sometimes blue days.

Of all the seasons, Alec hates summer the most.

Yes, it’s hot and sticky but something about summer brings out happiness.

Perhaps it’s the greenery in the parks around the city or the fresh early morning air but his head is filled with nostalgia. Some he can pinpoint while some are like tingling sensations that make him wonder if they are fading memories or something from a dream...

Anyhow, the nostalgia of summer gets him down.

To Alec, summer is like a mask for the unhappiness that tacks itself in the air and hovers over him in wait.

Because Alec already knows, he has long figured it out that when there’s too much happiness, that’s when the voices in Magnus’s head gets loud and nagging.

Rolling over on the bed and on top of Magnus, Alec bites down on Magnus’s earlobe, “Let’s go on a date”.

“Where to?”

“The cinema”.

Magnus squirms and hugs Alec tight around the waist, “Honestly, I don’t want to leave your bed”.

Alec smiles, and kisses his forehead, “It’s not my bed. It’s our bed”.

Magnus doesn’t reply.

And the silence Alec tries to dodge comes closer and sits in the corner and smirks.

.

In a strange way, summer days come alive at nighttime in the Brooklyn Bridge Park where as night falls, an unrivalled cinematic theatre unfolds and transforms the park into the prettiest date spot.  

“Oh this brings back memories”, Magnus says, as they meander their way to a spot. “Nothing beats an open air cinema in summer”, he adds, taking a bite of his tempura battered fish and chips.

Alec smiles, remembering that night they met in Greece at an outdoor cinema just like this but more Eden-like and dreamy with the waft of burning incense and cats meandering through the aisles of people.

“By the way, what’s showing?”

Alec flips over the leaflet to check, “The Adventures of Pricilla, Queen of the Desert”.

“Never heard of it”, Magnus takes another chomp off his snack, while sitting on the blanket Alec has just laid out, “What’s the synopsis?”

Alec checks the leaflet again, “Two drag performers and a transgender woman travelling across the desert to perform a unique style of cabaret”.

“Oh, it somehow sounds familiar”.

Taking his seat… sitting close to Magnus, side by side, Alec replies, “Yeah, sounds like something we’d have watched”.

On a rare cool summer evening in New York, beyond the murmur coming from the theatre screen and the crunching of chips and the slurping of juice through straws, Magnus can hear Alec’s breathing, soft and controlled and just as much he can feel Alec’s warmth on the places he’s being touched— on his shoulder and along his leg and around his waist with Alec’s arm wrapped around him and Magnus inhales, dropping his head on Alec’s shoulder thinking how much, humans truly depend on each other to survive and how he’s no different and that, sadness is the emotion that makes him remember that fact.

Because somehow,

Magnus thinks that giving into sadness gives him a less biased view of his happiness, meaning, he wouldn’t dare to exaggerate the good place he’s in.

In a nutshell,

Magnus has an addiction to unhappiness.

Why?

He’s afraid that if he feels too much joy then he’s just as good setting himself up for disappointment.

After all,

The very prospect of happiness strikes fear in those who’ve never felt anything but unhappiness.

And Magnus is the leader of that pact.

So as he’s sitting there watching pictures in a film with twilight in the backdrop, without looking up he can sense Alec looking down at him and he doesn’t need to see Alec’s eyes to know they’re showering him with love and equal desperation.

Magnus doesn’t look up, lest he becomes convinced.

“I mean…”, he whispers without meaning to… as a matter of fact, he doesn’t even notice that he’s speaking what he’s thinking—

Suppose unhappiness gets lonely?

Suppose happiness forgets loneliness?

But he’s well aware that he neither has happiness nor unhappiness.

He’s now holding Alec’s fingers and caressing them, still unaware of his actions, far too caught up in his limbo to even notice that Alec is watching him instead of the movie.

And Magnus sighs.

If Alec didn’t love him so much then he wouldn’t have to worry about falling from happiness. He sighs again and by now he’s no longer sure what’s happening in the movie but he’s still playing with Alec’s fingers and soaking in Alec’s warmth and it’s only when he’s fully rolled himself over on his back in Alec’s lap and looks up does he see Alec looking down at him with a smile that breaks his heart a thousand times.  

“You make me unhappy, Magnus”, Alec tells him, “You love me but you make me unhappy”.

Alec’s fingers slip from Magnus’s mouth and he’s just lying there looking up at Alec with frightened eyes, “What?”

“You heard me”, Alec takes his hand away and leans back on them instead, his eyes never leaving Magnus’s, “The happier you make me, the sadder I become. It’s the same for you, isn’t it?”

While adjusting his position to sit up, Magnus’s mind is all over the place, trying to figure out what Alec is trying to say but still, “Alexander, what are you saying?”

So Alec reaches a hand across and caresses his cheek, “Magnus, when are you going to love me?”

If this were a western movie and if they were cowboy characters, then in this moment of awkward silence and tension, a tumble of weed would roll across the screen.

 

★*☆♪

magnus x alec

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it's been a while and unlike me to take this long to update a multichapter but I wasn't sure anyone was really interested in this story... so I was just going to discontinue it~ but readers reached out so I'll finish it XD 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter ^^


	5. rain tumbleweeds and the choo choo train

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A question of where's home...

So Alec left.

.

In silence, they return home and immediately, Magnus heads straight for the bathroom and there, he sits a good while thinking thoughts that make no sense at all. Thoughts like, just outside the door is Alec, the man he claims he loves. The man he claims brings him happiness. The man he claims to be too real. The man he claims to be a dream— he stands up and paces to and fro between the bathtub and the door, before coming to a standstill and staring himself in the mirror.

“This isn’t going to get you anywhere”, he mumbles to himself.

And he almost seems as though he’s genuinely waiting for a reply because, it’s only when none came that he finally walks out and joins Alec who’s on the balcony sipping a beer while watching the rain fall.

Magnus can’t tell if the rain is his savior or his doom but as soon as Alec had asked him that shocking question— or rather, made that frank confrontation, did out of nowhere the rain began to fall from a sky that was still painted orange and copper red shoving everyone and everything into disorder.

“I thought you were taking a shower”, Alec says without turning as Magnus takes a seat beside him.

It’s only then that Magnus realises that he’d gone into the bathroom fully clothed and came out just as clothed. “No, I just—”, and he can’t find the words to finish but for sure, he knows he truly hates the rain.

Why is it falling so sad?

Does it already know?

Are all those simply drops of water or are they raining tears?

Whose are they?

The rain always knows what we’re feeling.

 _Ahhh,_ he internally groans.

The rain is like an informer.

And out of nowhere Magnus hears himself saying, “I’m leaving tomorrow”.

Then something cracks in the air.

Alec is sitting back in the chair, his head leaning against the wall, the can of beer still tilting against his mouth.

Magnus could hear him swallow.

“How does it feel?” Alec asks, his eyes following the car lights as they cross over the bridge in a line.

When Magnus finally catches his own words and Alec’s calm response, in jitters he quickly sits up straight and clears his throat. Never had he thought about this before but, if he could put his feelings into words then perhaps, “It’s like the inside of my skin is scratching”, he starts, but then soon pauses, his fingers running across his forearm, “It’s like my blood is too sweet and the inside of my skin is scratching me and won't stop”.

Alec can sort of imagine that feeling, like when you’ve eaten too much sweet and your blood has become oversaturated with bad sugar. And the very fact that he sorts of understands almost has him fully convinced him that perhaps, no happiness in the world can erase Magnus’s sadness and the most aching of all is that apparently, that includes him. “I can’t make you stay, can I?”

At this, Magnus rests his head on Alec’s shoulder, “Alexander, there’s absolutely nothing about me to love”.

“Is that what you think?” Alec turns to face him, “Magnus, there wouldn’t be enough books in the world to record all that’s lovable and beautiful about you”.

Sometimes,

Like now, Magnus feels as though he’s living in a dream— the sort of dream that borders on reality and it scares him— this dream-like reality that time and time again scares him into packing a bag and leaving on a journey not in search of anything, but to get away from the overflow of happiness— because only then will the sadness he feels reset itself.

Still looking at Magnus and the apparent conflict he’s in, Alec asks, “Why are you so afraid of your own happiness?” his voice just a tenor above the rain that’s falling harder and getting louder and even more annoying.

“What do you mean?” Magnus looks up at him, eyes honest in question seeking clarity, “I mean, aren’t you afraid of your own unhappiness?”

The question is so twisted that Alec takes a while to answer, “Of course. Every single day. Who wouldn’t?” he asks, his eyebrows knitted in a frown because isn’t such a thing obvious? “Every single day I fear unhappiness. Every day I fear having to befriend silence again. Every day I fear losing to the voices in your head again. Every day I love you whole because I’m afraid of your unhappiness. Magnus, I love you times two multiply by a dozen. Isn’t that enough?”

And that’s the problem, Alec.

It’s too much.

Happiness can’t be too happy otherwise, when the day of sadness comes—

Tears start to rain wild down Magnus’s face and that’s when Alec knows that once again, he has lost, so he sighs, “You know what?” standing and wetting his hands in the rain, “I’ll set my own expiry date”, he says, “One day, time will pass and you’ll finally be free of me”.

Magnus isn’t sure if it’s the wording or delivering tone but his jaws fall wide and his eyes open hollow in confusion and his stomach has suddenly become unsettled.

What's this spiralling staircase he's found himself on? He's starting to feel dizzy.

He leaves and Alec is left in pain.

He stays and his heart worries about impending loneliness.

And when he needs clarity the most, the voice in his head is no longer being adamant nor straightforward but—

“Alexander”, he swallows, giving himself time to arrange the words in his head, “It’s because I love you why I can’t stay”, he brings Alec’s knuckles to his lips and kisses each of them, his eyes brimming over with tears. “Something terribly must be wrong with me”, he says, shaking his head, “I mean look at me! I’m a wreck”, and at this point, there’s despise in his voice, “I move from one place to the next not knowing if I’m searching or running. All I know is that my happiest moments are always coming back to you— they save me as much as they wreck me because you’re so good to me but I’m silly and my mind has a wicked imagination and so every time my heart aches for you, I feel as though if I take even a breath, then I’ll wake up from a dream that I’d all painted in my head out of fear of loneliness— loneliness and happiness, I can’t have one without the oth—

“But, I’m the same”, Alec stops him, walks closer and cups his face, “We’re all the same. You, me, everyone else”.

“I don’t think we are”, Magnus finds his lips trembling, because the idea of Alec leaving him behind is nauseating.

“I see”, Alec replies, letting the raindrops slip through his fingers, “Do what you must", he flashes the rain off him, "But this time, don’t leave me a note”.

Just so,

Alec leaves.

And silence falls.

Even the voice in Magnus’s head remains quiet, like it’s having second thoughts.

.

Much later that night, Alec hears shuffling but makes no attempt to stop his restless lover. Instead, he covers his head and buries himself deeper into the bed, his toes curling as he grips tightly into his sheets to control the stirring madness that's boring through his heart.

It’s then, that all at once, everything around him trembles when the bedroom door swings open and he hears Magnus’s footsteps. Magnus is packing and Alec knows that once he leaves he’ll be left with silence and worry again. Yet, as much as he wants Magnus to stay, Alec won’t try to stop him again. Magnus has to stay of his own freewill.

Opens and closes, the door to the bedroom closet opens and closes and at the final close, Alec buries his face even deeper in his pillows and screams in muffled agonizing sounds.

.

When daylight dawns and he can no longer pretend to sleep, Alec removes the blanket from over his head and glances over at the bedside clock, “I wish you’d stopped time when he was here”, he sighs as he rolls out of bed and is standing in front of the door, “And you, I should’ve kept you locked”, his voice, heavy with ache.

His heart feels heavy too and so all he genuinely wants to do is to stay in bed and hide from his misery.

But _— oh_

When Alec enters the kitchen, he finds Magnus waiting with two mugs of coffee, slices of French toast and two suitcases fully packed.

Alec isn’t sure if it’s the anger welling or last hope but, “Tell me…”, he walks up to the island counter and takes up a mug, “Just how much do you hate me?”

Magnus then tosses something that looks like a ticket on the counter, “I’m guessing as much as I love you”.

Alec is looking at the tickets then back at him, “Are you hoping that I’ll rip it to pieces and spare you from making your own choice?”

“I would rather you not”, Magnus gestures to Alec to sit down and eat, “It’s first class plus it's last minute so there’s no refund on the hotel”.

This time, Alec isn’t sure if it’s more anger or confusion welling up but he takes a seat and says, “Magnus, you can’t love me and run away at the same time”.

“I know”, Magnus coolly answers, his chin nudging to the ticket on the counter.

Warily looking over the mug held at his lips, Alec’s eyes fly open, “What the—

“Alexander”, Magnus takes a sip of his own coffee, “I’ve zero intention of letting you go”.

The confusion, the elation, the uncertainty, the happiness, “Magnus, are you sure? All this time and you’ve never asked me before”.

True. And that’s because he’d never thought about it until now.

Last night,

Magnus did leave.

But while waiting, as he kept watching the trains come and go and looking at all the people getting on and getting off when in a single instance of everything happening... in a sudden flash... perhaps it was the fear of not having a home to return to next time that shocked sense into him but very suddenly, memories from times he’d been lonely and sad and missing Alec start to flood him— memories of, whenever he was held at ransom by his own fear of loneliness, whenever he was lost in his wandering in countless countries and deserts and cities— whenever his heart felt aching for tangible love and whenever he felt lost beyond his knowing, those were the times he found himself waiting at the door, hoping Alec would let him in. Then he would hope that Alec would hug him and embrace him fully and welcome him and make his life feel complete.

The train chimed choo choo and Magnus grabbed his bag and ran back home and for the first time, let himself in.

“Come on, chop chop”, Magnus taps his watch, “We’ve got only three hours”.

Alec takes a bite of his toast and is watching Magnus, “But what about unhappiness?”

.

“All this time, how did it feel travelling by yourself?” Alec asks.

Magnus releases a long exhausted sigh, “Like relative empty time travel”.

When their train to the airport rides up, Magnus grabs his bag, flings it over his shoulder and settles well in his seat. And again, he’s watching people enter and leave the platform— two strangers have just taken the seats he and Alec were seconds ago, seated.

Before now, whenever Magnus boarded, he would never look outside until the train had taken him a good way off— he was always too afraid but this time, with his home by his side, he looks out at the people on the platform and hopes that they too will find their destiny.

“Not having second thoughts, are you?” Alec asks, looking at him as though he’s trying to see his soul.

“Why would I?” Magnus answers, adjusting his seat and leaning into Alec’s shoulder.

Alec was right;

There will always be melancholy in Magnus’s happiness.

“By the way, where are we going?” Alec asks, leaning his head on top of Magnus’s.

“The southern regions of Africa…”, Magnus contemplatively answers, “There’s a valley where the flowers bloom only once in many years. I really want to go”.

“Then why didn’t you?” Alec asks, “You’ve had plenty of time”.

Magnus smiles into Alec’s cheek, a sad guilty smile, “I did go and it was beautiful”, he replies, closing his eyes and inhaling the moment, trying to control the nervousness he’s feeling, trying to overpower it with the happiness Alec continues to feed him, “It was truly beautiful, but I felt lonely”.

Yes, there will always be melancholy in Magnus’s happiness except now, instead of him running away from inevitable unhappiness, he’ll embrace it as a part of life together with happiness— besides, he won’t be fighting that constant battle alone. He'll take half and Alec will take the other half... they'll share the sad days and happy ones too.

“What’s it like?” Alec asks, “That valley of flowers”.

“Imagine a field of pink weeds in full blossom”, he starts, his eyes already twinkling as he recalls the scenery, “Namaqualand is a complicated veld of open flats, coastal sand, rocky outcrops of clay and granite but all that turns to fuchsia after weeks of summer rain”.

“Sounds... beautiful but complicated,” Alec smiles, but he’s sure, no beauty in the world could compare to Magnus and what he and Magnus share.

“But perhaps that’s what makes it so beautiful”, Magnus continues, “They’re a sort of tumbleweed, you see… the flowers have reddish edge and are tongue-shaped, hugging the ground and oh goodness, you’ll love the fragrant night”, and then his tone drops, and he’s clinging to Alec, “But they don’t last very long, you see. In a matter of days, the buds detach from the plant and the seeds go bowling in the wind".

Alec hums a thinking sound, “I feel like a romantic story just got turned into horror”.

“True”, Magnus laughs but it's heavy on his chest, “But isn’t it an interesting story?”

“Interesting? Yes, but…”

Another chuckle leaves Magnus as he wraps Alec’s hands in his, “But to think something once so beautiful, will eventually turn into a ball of dry brambles rolling about without a home for years and years before finally finding a place to rest…”

“Oh, so it does have a happy ending”.

Magnus looks up at him with knitted brows, “What part of that is happy?”

“The part about it finally finding a resting place”.

“How is that any good?”

“The scattered seeds will lay dormant until the next summer’s rain, right?"

"Yes, usually that’s howー"

"Then everything will start over, isn’t that right?"

“Yes, that’s the usual cycleー"

"Then, isn’t that a happy ending?” Alec asks, but it's rhetorical and he's pressing his lips to Magnus’s temple and inhaling deeply with contentment, “I can’t wait to see it.”

Magnus doesn’t reply.

He only inhales and exhales with a smile.

And not long after, the train goes _choo choo_ and _whistles_ and away with it they go.

…

★*☆♪  
magnus x alec

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for staying with me from start to end. I'd love to know what you think XD


End file.
